New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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