my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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