I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
