I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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