and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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