the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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