Your mouth is God's brothel.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
