sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize