i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
