paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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