You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize