Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
