It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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