this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize