1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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