i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
