get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
