my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
