a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
