Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
