I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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