fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
