why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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