i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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