Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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