you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
