I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
