I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize