i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my mouth tastes like poor choices
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
