I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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