so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize