What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize