So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
