After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
