i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
