I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ruined the universe
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Your penis caused this!
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