Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There r osticjed everywhere
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
