So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
