My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
