Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
