you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Someone signed my nipple.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
