Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
