I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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