I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
