i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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