i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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