Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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