Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
