Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
