..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he puts the penis in happiness.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
