Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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