I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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