Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
