The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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