Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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