Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
