He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
