sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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