this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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