There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
