you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
