I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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