so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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