Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
