I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
