I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
